Mop-Up RAW 12.25.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Mr. Hyatte, Christopher, frankly you disgust me. You are a horrible individual. An the way you talk about Mr. Mark Madden's mother is downright revolting. How could you insinuate such ungodly things about Mark's dear mother. I hope you rot in the darkest pits of hell for your actions. I pray for your soul, you sad sad man.
Mr. Jason Reed: DorkMaul0@aol.com
Dork Maul? BWAHAHAAAA. Why are all these people praying for me all of the sudden? Nobody EVER prayed for me at SCOOPS.
Hello, I'm Chris and for the second attempt in as many weeks, THAT is a fine piece of chicken... with the most HARDCORE F-me eyes I've ever seen. With Christmas safely behind us, we can now go back to focusing what is IMPORTANT in life... WRESTLING!!! No Nitro this week, so I have a small opener, the RAW recap, and a small closer for this week. Oh, of course, I have like a MILLION plugs... but I never plug crap that I don't think you'll like, so you can go over there knowing full well that wherever I'm sending you, you will enjoy it :)
Okay, so this week's And Another Thing is the LOOOONG awaited sequel to the great "What Would Jesus Do? (in WWF)" Finally, I can present to you, "What Would Jesus Do? (in WCW)"... A WHOPPING look at a year in the life of WCW with the Son of God and the Scourge of Hell under it's employ. It's so long that the regular 411 column interface couldn't handle the volume, so I had to post it in the spot where the Nitro Mop-Up usually goes. Meaning, it's directly at the bottom of this recap right here. Chances are, you've seen it already.
Word of warning... it's NOT the same thing as the WWF edition. That edition focused on what Jesus and Satan did in the WWF... this edition focuses on how Bischoff would handle these two beings in his company. It's also a commentary on WCW's ongoing problems with egotism, backstabbing, politics, and writing. I think you'll like it. F-it... you BETTER.
Another word of warning is that for some reason, the second page of my big columns never recognizes any codes to get Italics, Underlines, boldness, or hyperlinks activated... so page two has no bold, underlined months or italicized shows. I'm sure you can survive.
This week's closer is some ways the WWF can improve. I call it "WAYS THE WWF CAN IMPROVE"... catchy, huh?
Let's see... this week's Edge will be taped on Wednesday... maybe. See, Greg's in Las Vegas so I won't be able to talk to him until late Tuesday... so I have no idea if he has anything planned. I have a few ideas, but we need to discuss it... so keep an eye on the Edge Wednesday evening and we'll see what we can come up with. I think we may be having Zimmerman on, or it may just be me ragging on everyone and sending little Delphi douchebags like Jesse Baker and little white boy racist hypocrites like Michael Shannon into moronic rants. Hey, if it can get one more thread about me started... I'll be happy.
Two quickies... Don Becker writes for Rantsylvania and has a special response for things said by his former "Boss" recently. I withhold any comment and simply invite anyone curious to give it a gander.
I like to rag on Scaia... Christ, it's better than deflowering 8 year olds... but I thought I'd take a break from it this week and allow someone else to talk about how much he ABSOLUTELY SUCKS!!!! I do this because I realize that SOME readers out there actually don't mind Scaia... and maybe even like him. So, while you're sitting there, not getting laid by a woman, I'll give you a chance to read someone tell the truth about him while STILL beng pretty nice about it. Unlike me, this writer thinks that maybe Rick has a chance to return to who he once was (I never, EVER thought he was all that great since day one... but that's just me). So, if you want an honest look at the man who thinks it's cool to try to be a know it all... I give you this
Okay... moving on.
Last week, Bob Ryder said this:
In recent weeks I've seen people take shots at Jimmy Hart for the "hokey" interview segments aired on NITRO where he challenges local DJ's. The truth of the matter is that those segments have done more to promote attendance at WCW shows than anything else the company has done this year. In markets where the DJ matches have taken place there has been a significant boost in attendance. Jimmy will appear several times on the local morning show going back and forth with the DJ, and it gets WCW a ton of free publicity for the event. The DJ talks about it non-stop for a couple of weeks leading up to the show, and it has made a real difference in the markets where the DJ promotion has taken place. The entire thing was Jimmy Hart's idea. He has done a tremendous job with the DJ promotion, and he deserves credit for doing something to try to help make a difference in WCW.
Hot on those heels, like the same day... or the day after... Dave Scherer concurred:
I have been kind of hard on the Jimmy Hart "wrestle the DJs" angle but after reading Bob Ryder's column today, I want to take back everything that I said. For those of you who have not read Bob's column, Hart is actually doing the challenges as a way to help attendance for the upcoming shows. It was all his idea, and it has helped draw better houses lately. Hats off to Jimmy Hart for being a good team player.
Well, I TOO have been kind of hard on the Jimmy Hart "wrestle the DJs" angle... but after reading both of these guys columns, I want to take back everything NICE I've said about them.
How completely ridiculous... what utter tripe.
So tell me, this benefits WCW because the local DJs give the show tons of promotion and really fill up the building in that town? Show me proof. Has WCW sold out anything in the US lately? Has this gimmick increased box office? I doubt it. That feels like a LIE. If the houses have improved... it couldn't be that WCW has been producing interesting content lately? It couldn't be that against all odds, Scott Steiner is drawing them in. Could it? COULD IT?? Oh NO... it HAS to be because of Jimmy Hart.
What about the REST of the audience? What about the 90% of the people watching the show who are NOT from that town, who do NOT care about those DJs, and who HATE this stupid ass 80's gimmick featuring an old fart who should have been thrown in the Retirement home 10 years ago. Yeah, okay... Cockweed, Iowa's "Krazy Harry and Doctor Bean" talks about WCW and what they will do about Jimmy Hart. Manfag can rattle on at hyperspeed about how he is the best and he's tougher than any faggoty manager. Yeah, locally, that may be interesting, but WCW is trying to appeal to a NATIONWIDE AUDIENCE, YOU DICKHEADS!!!! HOW IS BORING THE CRAP OUT OF THE OTHER 95% OF THE AUDIENCE GOOD FOR BUSINESS?????
Wanna impress me? Program these Hart bits on LOCAL programming... put them on during the Nitro commercials IN THAT TOWN ONLY... THIS way, the local folks get all the info they need to be properly jazzed up... the the rest of us can try to enjoy the show WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED!!!
What kind of loser, douchebag, no talent, radio HACK can think of nothing do talk about on his show other thasn talk "non-stop" about Jimmy Hart? I bet Dok Doyle does this... he seems like the type to think this is a good idea. (don't ask).
And don't give me this SHIT about Hart being a "team player"... he's just a loser who's afraid that Brad Seigal will notice how much he gets paid for doing so little and FIRE HIS SCRAWNY ASS!!! That's it. There's nothing "team" about his motives... this is Hart trying to justify a WCW paycheck that should have been cancelled years ago. Hogan's GONE, bitch... how long before someone smartens up and cleans up his barnacles.
In closing... I expected this from Ryder. I'm surprised at Scherer.
Last note... you know it's a good web site if Bob threatens to sue... so be sure to bookmarkA1 A1
Thank you. Now, let's recap.
RAW is WAR: (or: Vince, there's a breast implant in my soup! )
-Ends with another thrilling installment of Martial Law, with "special guest stars" TIM RIGBY as "Crossbow Thug" and LARRY WRENTZ as "Charlie the Doughnut Guy". I hear Rigby pulled a real DeNiro for the role and actually hung out with honest to goodness Crossbow Thugs. That's the craft, people. Unfortunately, Wrentz only winged it... he didn't stop by one doughnut shop on the way to the set. Wasted talent.
-Funny, I thought it was "donut"?
-Microsoft Spell Check accepts both... Microsoft Thesaurus has NO matching words for either... the plot thickens...
-The "Recordist" for this offering was Robert "Bubba" Nichols... I'm sure he did NOT attach "Bubba" to his job applications after the show became Martial "Canceled" Law.
-WWF: One world... blink and you'll miss "Attitude" flash by. Keep your eyes wide opened, and you'll STILL miss any "attitude" flash by
-Opening theme. Is the screen darker or am I having a brain aneurysm?
-Screen brightens back to normal... WHEW... thank God... for a second there I thought my brain WASN'T just a few months away from exploding... taking me away from the pain, my incredible pain.
-Someone slaps a Christmas Wreath around the "RAW IS WAR" logo. You know... it's 9 pm... (or 6, if you're one of those west coast fruits)... it's over... people are SICK of this dumb season... STOP THE THEME!!! STOP THE GODDAM CHRISTMAS THEME!!!!!!! LET'S GET BACK TO OUR NORMAL, MISERABLE LIVES!!!!!
-Fireworks blast... Jim Ross wishes us a "Merry Christmas" (oh shut up, you ass)
-We are in "Chattanooga, Tennessee"... what retard names a town "Chattanooga"?
-possibly, the same type of retard that names a Nevada town "Chevy Chase"
-Then there's "Truth or Consequences", New Mexico
-for that matter, what moron names his WRESTLING site "411"?
-Ross introduces himself... and Jerry "The King" Lawler. Immediately, we hear that Steve Austin gets A SMALL TASTE OF REVENGE!!!!!!!!!! against Kane tonight. Ahh, this angle was well thought out... Kane just decided to come out and chokeslam Austin as he was having some fun refereeing a Regal/Hardcore Holly bout. It's almost as if someone thought Kane's last feud, which was started after Jericho spilled coffee on him, was deemed "too surreal".
-Ironically, this match was also a "First Blood Match".... the match ends as soon as the first fan slits his wrists.
-Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley comes out, wearing a bright red dress that helped showcase her healthy breasts... oh... those are some sweet melons... mm
-She's also wearing a Santa hat... which I APPROVE of... see, it's cool for CHICKS to wear those hats... because it's a sexy little move... makes them look like Santa's little Elf... makes you think about Santa DOING things to his little Elves... doing this that frigid Mrs. Clause won't do... hot things... nasty things.... kinky things... dear God... with Rudolph's red nose...
-So it's cool for a girl to wear a Santa hat... with the little ball on top... besides, honestly, does anyone REALLY think that this is the first time Steph has had a ball on her head?
-Guys are NOT allowed to wear Santa hats. You may think you are being "cute", but you look like a raging Homo! Eminem writes songs about YOU, homeboy!
-Stephanie has the mic and says that the McMahon family is truly celebrating the "Christmas Spirit" (oh shit... it's gonna be a long one)
-She says her father, Vince is busy in Greenwich, donating his time and efforts at a "Soup Kitchen". (the first thing he said when he walked in, "S.D, what are YOU doing he... oh... well... this is awkward, isn't it? No I do NOT have any spare change!")
-Ross questioned the notion of there even BEING a Soup Kitchen in Greenwich.
-Steph said that in honor of the season, she made her Mother her favorite kind of cake... a "Fruitcake"... then she cracked herself up. (See guys, after you raid that booty, you still have to deal with the PERSONALITY)
-If she wanted to be TRUTHFUL, she would have said "Rum Cake"... cause I hear Linda sometimes likes to "taste the grape"... have a "snort"... raid the "Mini-bar"... pull a "Kitty Dukakis" and slog down the Witch Hazel
-Still, business is business for the McMahons, so Steph is in charge of setting up the show...
-after showing some Smackdown footage of Rock and the Undertaker sizing each other up, she booked them for a one on one later tonight... "to see who the greater WWF Superstar is" (WHAT?? And she didn't invite The Genius??)
-Then Stuff brought out Edge, Christian, and Kurt Angle. Kurt was wearing a Santa hat... (ugh... SEE WHAT I MEAN???) Ross pointed out that "Greenwich" was one of the "most affluent cities in the country" and that there probably were NO "Homeless people" there! (Oh come now... all these "dot com" millionaires are dropping like flies... there has got to be SOME that went to Greenwich)
-Edge got on the stick first and wished the whole McMahon clan a "totally Merry Christmas" with "huge jollyfications"... (explain to me how this shtick is "over" again?)
-Edge also sent best wishes out to Mick Foley, who couldn't be there because he was "fired" last week.
-Christian got on the mic and said that it was a shame that they didn't fire Mick tonight in Chattanooga, so then he could "be with his own people"... (oh jeeze... HERE WE GO... LET'S BE LIKE WCW AND CALL THEM "WHITE TRASH" LIKE EVERY SINGLE HEEL IN ATLANTA DOES, EACH WEEK!! LET'S PICK THE BONES OF THAT TIRED OLD FORM OF CHEAP HEAT!!! Go ahead... call them "white trash"... BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!!!!)
-Christian called them, "fat, toothless, and unemployed"... but didn't call them "white trash".. (OH BLESS THE WWF!!!! FINALLY, SOMEONE SAID "STOP THE INSANITY"!)
-Christian said that at last week's Smackdown was a great one, because "Christmas came early!" (Ah, so THAT'S what Patterson calls his penis? Must of been Christian's turn in the hole...)
-oops... I just realized that I stole that line off the last "Bond" flick... dammit.
-we see how E & C regain the tag belts from the Rock and UT last Thursday.
-Angle took the mic and introduced the WWF Heavyweight and the WWF Tag Team champions to the crowd. The crowd responded with "ANGLE SUCKS, ANGLE SUCKS"
-BIG sign that read "(something) B on the Edge"... Give me his e-mail address, I'll see about getting him on.
-Angle said that he would ignore that. (what? come on Kurt... "I'll see about getting him on"? Okay, it's not Chris Rock worthy, but it is SOMEWHAT amusing!)
-Kurt said that he was in the "Christmas Spirit".... (ounce of vodka, eggnog, top with anisette, serve with candy cane... drunk little Olympian)
-But he still admitted that Chattanooga was "foul smelling" and the people "gave him the creeps". (Lawler, "nothing worse than a Creepy Christmas"... ugh... BRING BACK HEENAN, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Angle decided to give himself a special Holiday gift... he decided to fly out his family to celebrate Christmas with him.
-Out came 5 guys, all dressed exactly like Kurt.
-Angle said that they were four brothers and one cousin. His brothers Eric, Mark, David, Johnny, and his cousin Jimmy were introduced.
-Angle boasted that between them, there were 14 All-American honors, 11 National Titles, and 16 State Championships. (umm... my Dad got a certificate for being a Model Prisoner? A few Sailors got together and awarded my Mother a bronze dildo shaped like a Donkey penis? I once lied about being three years younger and won a 8-10 Arm Wrestling Tournament?)
-"of course, I'm the only one with an Olympic gold medal but darn it, it's the best family a guy can have!"
-Angle threw in a shot at Mick Foley for no reason... Steph got angry and told the chanting crowd that Foley was fired!
-It became embarrassing obvious that they were just filling for time once they all started singing "Walking In A Winter Wonderland"
-thankfully, Jericho came out. You KNOW they are going on autopilot until after the Holidays if they are sticking JERICHO up into a program involving the world champ.
-Jericho welcomes us to his show... then said maybe it was "Revenge of the Nerds".
-He said that even though "Kirk Angel" knows who he is... for the rest of the family... "My name is Y2J (Fuggin' fat ass MADDEN stealing that), and on behalf of all of these 'Jericho-holics', I ask, would you please shut THE HELL up??"
-Jericho thinks they should have sung the "12 days of Christmas" (my true love gave to meee... a beer!) and just re-arranged the words a little. Instead of "Geese", they could have "6 Angles who will never be a-laying".
-and we also have "two Valley Girls"
-and to top it all off, we have a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom feeding, trash bag HO... in a Pear Tree!!
-Jericho told "Kirk" that he only wants one thing for Christmas... not a Slinky, not a GI Joe with a Kung Fu Grip (and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why Booker T's army gimmick never took off)... no, he wants a WWF title match, TONIGHT!!
-Angle took the mic and said that Jericho insults his family and his friends and now wants a WWF title match? Angle didn't think so.
-Stephanie got on the stick and pointed out that Jericho wasn't very smart, was he? (long blonde hair, handsome features, built like an athlete, in a rock band... probably gets more vag than Brad Pitt at the Playboy Mansion... hey genius... HE DOESN'T NEED BRAINS!!!)
-Stephanie, "Flattery will get you nowhere"... (ah, so those ARE implants!)
-She denied the title shot, Kurt whispered something in her ear, Steph smiled, I'd say the odds were 50-50 that he said, "You give me such a hardon right now!" (try it.. it actually works, sometimes... it makes them feel pretty.)
-Stephanie suggested that Jericho go get a tag team of his choice to take on Kurt Angle and Edge & Christian.
-Jericho thanked Steph for the Christmas gift... but was sorry to say that he didn't get HER anything... after all, "What do you give to the girl who's HAD everyone??" (Yeesh! Some Novacaine, maybe?)
-Jericho said that he'll tell his partners to "get the tables". His music started. Kurt and Steph were smiling. Jericho as smiling. What's he so happy about? He went out there looking for a Title match... he got bupkis
-commercials
-Save the Last Dance is coming soon... ahh, a movie about the most forbidden love of them all.... interRACIAL!!! There's something so... exciting about watching a strong, muscular, black as midnight brother pound down on a snow-white girl... it's so... DECADENT!!!
-alas... when I think of white guys and black girls... I usually end up thinking about Robert DeNiro on top of Ester Rolle... not quite the same
-Alyssa Milano is "Eva Savalot"... oh, I think she's had a brother or two... or three... at ONCE! She looks thoroughly paved.
-Backstage, Kurt Angle introduced his family to K-Kwick... calling him a "ra-a-ap singer". The Angle clan said "Hi K-Kwick" in unison, then walked away. Kwick watched them go and said, "Now that's what I call a veeeeery White Christmas!" Cue laugh track.
-Ross was laughing... over-laughing... Jesus, Jim... it was funny, but... Jesus.
-Right now... as you read this... there are a few people out there waiting for me to make a joke about K Kwick... so they can cut it, post it on the RS Delphi forum, and bitch at Scott Keith about what a giant racist I am. SORRY, LOSERS!!!!
-Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit came out to fight the Hardyz. This was Malenko's problem, Benoit was there to CLEAN IT UP!!
-Backstage, a worried Matt Hardy told Lita that she shouldn't be going out there. It was "too dangerous" (umm... someone give them an old Hunter/Stephanie script as a goof?)
-Lita didn't like that plan... she was a COMPETITOR!!! She wanted to be out there and CHEER HER HEART OUT!!! (besides, who wants to take a chance that anyone cares about the Hardyz without the big tittied senorita?)
-Benoit watched this backstage footage, shaking his head in disgust... (friggin' cleaning up Dean's crap... I should be out there punking out that old bastard Austin!)
-We see footage from last week where Lita stiffed Dean right in the face.
-The Hardyz came out with Lita. They charged the ring. Malenko ducked out, leaving Benoit to swing alone. The Boyz threw Benoit against the ropes. Malenko tripped him up. Benoit went down hard. (A TRIP???? Malenko TURNED AGAINST BENOIT???? IT'S A FACE TURN!!! HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND!!!!!! BENOIT'S MOVING UP!!! DON'T GET OFF THIS TRAIN!!!)
-Oh, it seems that he was HELPING Benoit out of the ring! They're still brothers! (RIDE THAT CANADIAN TRAIN, YOU DAGO BASTARD!!! RIIIIIIDE!!)
-Jeff Hardy bounced over the top rope and landed on top of both men.
-Back in the ring, Benoit ate a Flying Headscissors, but eventually got hold of Jeff's leg and slammed it down. Ross said that Malenko was "old enough to be Lita's Uncle"... then snipped, "Uncle JERRY!!"
-Lawler said that he had some inside news... he knew two of the competitors in the Royal Rumble. Ross asked if those were "Internet Rumors" with quite a bit of bile. (this business is so PISSED that we get news out before they approve it... WELCOME TO THE NEW AGE, FOLKS!!! SAY GOODBYE TO INSIDE SECRETS AND DIRTY DEALINGS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!!!!)
-If it weren't for the Internet... we'd still be wondering if this sport was "fake".
-If it weren't for the Internet... we'd still be blindly following whatever Bill Apter said! THAT'S RIGHT!!! SO YOU'D BEST GET ON YOUR KNEES AND SUCK YOUR HARDRIVE!!!!
-Malenko had Matt ready for a superplex... Lita ran in and crotched him. Malenko went down. Matt dropped a big leg and got the pin. They won.
-Malenko was so pissed, he put Matt in the Cloverleaf. Lita ran in again and tried to break it up. Benoit ran in and put her in the Crossface. Ross, "What kind of HORRID ANIMAL IS CHRIS BENOIT????" Umm... I don't know Jim... maybe... A WOLVERINE??? A RABID WOLVERINE????
-commercials
-footage of the "heinous act"
-Lita is backstage being tended to. Benoit came out to gloat. Matt attacked him. The refs pulled him away... he blew a kiss to Lita and smiled. This is EXACTLY how he bagged Nancy Sullivan
-Michael Cole caught up with the Undertaker. Rocky paused a bit... then continued to ignore the little prick. (Cole... not his pecker... which is probably huge)
-Kevin Kelly had Debra and asked why she thinks Vince McMahon kept her on as Lieutenant Commissioner. Debra looked at him and said, "Oh, take a wild, f-ing guess, fatso! Who is my husband, again?
-whoa... Tammy Fay Baker wears less makeup than young Debra
-Debra made a Hardcore match, too.
-Backstage, Vince McMahon was on the speaker phone with Stephanie and was congratulating her on her booking.
-Vince asked Steph to hang on a minute... saying it was very busy in the Soup Kitchen.
-"Some of these homeless people... I know they're homeless but... but they have nice cars!" (that was a great throwaway line)
-Suddenly, a female voice came on the line and giggled, "This is so fun, Mr McMahon"... the crowd went "WHOOOA"
-Vince got back on... Steph demanded to know who that was. Vince said, "It was a homeless lady! She's had too much soup. They get giddy when they have too much soup!" (HAW!!! NICE!!)
-Steph asked to put that "giddy woman" back on the phone. Vince said that she left already. Then Vince said that they were "calling him back to lay out some more soup"... he said a fast goodbye. Steph was left, fuming. Killer segment.
-"Lay out some more soup"... indeed... inf-ingdeed
-commercials
-Lugz was proud to pay for Kane chokeslamming Austin. Why is a shoe company hiring wrestlers to attack each other?
-backstage, after seeing backstage footage of Vince giving Kane to Austin for Christmas, Austin told Cole that... well... I'm sure you can figure it out. Austin isn't exactly a fountain of off-topic tangents, you know.
-Hardcore Holly came out.
-Raven came out pushing a grocery cart filled with weapons. Ross quipped that "for the third year in a row I got an autographed picture of the King for Christmas" (yeah? All I got was some anal action)
-Steve Blackman came out. Holly couldn't wait and attacked Raven. Ross says that the "24/7" rule has been put on the shelf for a while, but apparently... IT'S BACK AND READY TO RAISE HELL!!!!!
-Holly swung at Raven with trash can lids. Blackman attacked him. Raven recovered and hit Holly with trash can lids. Oh, it's one endless circle.
-They found themselves somewhere in the back. Raven attacked a couple of bystanders for no reason, and threw one of them into a heavy cloth linen basket. It was a black guy with blonde hair. KOKO???? MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!! HE'S BACK!!!!
-They went outside... on some steps. Raven took the tumble down. Holly and Blackman started to fight around some cars. Blackman gave Holly a backbridge onto a hood and pinned him. He won.
-as Blackman walked away, Raven broke a 2x4 over his head and pinned him. Raven became the Hardcore champion. Later on, he took second place in a Jim Morrison look-a-like contest.... THE KID'S ON A ROLL, BABY!!!!
-Austin and Kane don't have much in common... except for right now when they were both WALKING at the exact same time.
-Jesse Ventura says that the XFL Player will be asked, "How much heart did you leave on that field?" said player will probably say, "It's right over there, Coach... right next to my teeth, Joey's eye, Latrell's scalp, Diego's kidneys, and Bluto's spine. Now can I please go get my fu**ing nuts re-attached?"
-commercials
-Lord William Regal came out in a full suit. Hey got on the stick and said that over the Holidays, some of us Americans over indulge too much. "Like swine, you trough down your food, not having time to enjoy it... and then you sit at the dinner table... crudely belching, and breaking wind (HAW!!! THIS GUY IS MY GOD!!!)... I believe in America you call it... "farting""
-Regal says that it's not our fault... we just don't know any better. But think of the children... the children are our future... you can't just fart and belch in front of the children (yeah!! You make them get a LIGHTER... then you can REALLY give them a show). Regal asked us to set an example on this "joyous of days".
-Kane stormed out. Ross makes the segue and says, "IT'S KANE!! BELCHING FIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!" (oy)
-Regal joined the Announcers. Austin came out. He tore his vest off at the entrance and it got going quickly.
-Austin dropped his leg across Kane's back... he went for another one... Kane got up slowly. Austin said "F-It" and clotheslined him over the top rope.
-Regal got up and tried to attack Austin. Stone Cold knocked him down and stomped on him a little.
-I thought we were past the time where Austin DOMINATED 99.9% OF THE MATCH AND DIDN'T SELL DIDDLY???
-Regal recovered and got back with the Announcers. He huffed, "I was just MOLESTED" Ross, "molESTED??"
-Lawler dropped the news that Kane is one of the Royal Rumble contestants.
-Okay... good... Kane took some control. Regal approved of seeing "That swine (Austin) lying on the ground!!"
-Austin started to punch his way out of a Kane bearhug. How about a promise to NEVER have a "bearhug" on a Monday Night wrestling show EVER AGAIN?? CAN YOU DO THAT ONE LITTLE PROMISE, WWF?? FOR ME??
-Kane went for the chokeslam... Austin fought out of it. Austin went for the Stunner, Kane pushed him away. Austin punched a few more times, then hit it again. Kane went down.
-Regal ran in. Austin knocked him back out.
-Kane tried for the chokeslam again... Austin kicked him. Regal was back in. Austin was double teamed. We got the DQ.
-The double team continued. Regal grabbed a chair and went to use it. Austin kicked him, kicked Kane in the groin, and chaired them both. Music and beers followed.
-commercials
-Michael Cole caught up with the Undertaker. UT said that the Rock was a lot of talk... he was sort of the opposite. He said that he'd fight anyone... blah blah blah...
-The Kat came out in a bathrobe and Santa hat. (See!! Girls... GOOD... Guys... GAY!!!)
-The Kat went to the announcers and had a special Christmas gift for JR. JR opened it. It was the new Divas tape. Ross, "Daddy LIKES videos!" (Oh that sick, sick man!! That may have been the first REAL glimpse of JR on live TV!)
-saaay... is that the guy from "Saved by the Bell" sitting behind the announcers? No, not "Screech".
-Kat also had a present for Lawler... she made him stand up... Lawler stalled uncomfortably... then did it. Kat got on the table.
-Geeze... don't tell me... does Lawler.. his hair... is that a ...dye job? Does Lawler dye his hair? SAY IT ISN'T SO, KING!!! OH PLEASE SAY IT...whoa Kat flashed open her robe... now that's a body, dammit!! God Bless the King... Dye that hair, brother!!! WHOOHOOO
-Backstage, Stephanie stormed into the T&A; locker room and demanded to know where Trish was. Neither man had any clue. Steph stormed out. Test told Albert that he thinks Trish is "eating soup... if you know what I mean" (oh eww.... Cream of Vince!! ICKY ICK ICK POO POO!!!)
-When will Stephanie show herself off in a bikini? That's what we ALL want to see!!
-commercials
-Alyssa Milano is on a football field. She looks very, very at home there.
-Backstage, Kurt was talking to his Mother with his kin.
-Test and Albert fought Too Cool. Stephanie came out for some reason, presumably to get back at Trish by messing with her team. Sort of a lousy revenge, if you ask me. Of course, I doubt anyone REALLY asked me. I find it hard to believe that you are sitting there in front of your computer vocally asking, "Say Hyatte, what do you think of this form of revenge?" Come to think of it,. I find it hard to believe that you are still reading this. I figure you must of quit this nonsense somewhere around "RIDE THAT CANADIAN TRAIN, YOU DAGO BASTARD!!! RIIIIIIDE!!"
-In any case... Taylor hit the Worm on Albert. Trish tried to trip Test up by grabbing his rebounding legs off the ropes from the outside (or... maybe she was RESCUING HIM!! LIKE DEAN RESCUED BENOIT!!!!)
-Or, maybe not... a distracted Test was rolled up and Too Cool got the pin.
-Backstage, Jericho and the Dudley's were walking with purpose.
-commercials
-Albert walked in on Stephanie and told her that if she wants anything, just ask him. (No guy tries this stunt unless they are reasonably sure that she's going to ask to be bent over a chair... okay. Let's get that straight right now. Albert wants some STUPH!!!)
-Jericho came out. The Dudleys followed.
-The three champs came out at once. Angle's family were now seated at ringside.
-Jericho and Christian started it off. Had I ever bothered to READ the Bible, instead of using it to balance out my poker table, I'm sure I could come up with a funny line about "Jericho" and "Christians"... alas, priorities come first with me.
-How long before Jericho makes his first inhuman moan?
-"HWAAAAAGH"... 114 seconds!
-The Dudley's work on Edge a bit. He gets the "Wazzup"
-Buh Buh tells D-Von to get the tables.
-Edge speared Buh Buh just in time. Christian is tagged in.
-Angle is in. Jericho is in.
-Angle and Jericho fight near Angle's family. Jericho throws Angle back in. One of the Angles swipes at Jericho. It turned into a mini-brawl.
-The Dudley's got involved... Eric Angle ended up being powerbombed into the table from the steel steps.
-The Dudley's fought E & C up the ramp... Jericho had Angle back in the ring. We got the Missile Dropkick.
-Jericho went for the Lionsault... Angle popped up his knees. Jericho rolled around the ring. Kurt hit the Olympic Slam and got the pin. The whole Angle crew hit the ring and quadruple teamed Jericho until the Dudleys ran back out and ended this.
-commercials
-The Angles tend to the fallen Eric. E & C promise Kurt that they will get the Dudleys "back" for this effrontery.
-The RTC came out. Bull Buchanon had a mic and asked "What kind of world are we living in?" (WAIT!!! Didn't Genesis address that very question 12 years ago??? They used puppets for the video!!)
-Bull whined about things you can buy for children that promote violence and sex (Yeah, "Battered Woman Barbie" with torn underwear... what was Mattel THINKING??).
-Bull also had problems with what "APA" stood for... "Always Pounding Ass"... (yeah, I have a problem with that too... how dare they just HAND THE PROTECTION AGENCY GIMMICK OVER TO KRONIK WITHOUT A FIGHT!!!!! THOSE BIG PUSSIES!!!)
-shirts like that, Bull mused, that you can buy over the Internet!!! (well, they aren't as bad as those silly "We The People" SCOOPS shirts Remy "The Slammer" Artiega thought would sell like Heroin. "oh no Chris... Mop-Up shirts wouldn't sell... not when they can get this cool REMY RULES t-shirt! See, it's got my smiling face on the back! See?")
-The Godfather got on the mic and said that the Internet has begin a "harbinger for nothing more than filth and decay!!" (not to mention grown men calling themselves "Little Miss Rebel")
-The GF said that the Net will hold onto them and strangle the goodness out of them!! (right... just stick to sending women out to blow fat old guys for ten bucks a pop)
-The Acolytes came out with Jacqueline. How come Stevie doesn't speak anymore?
-It's a typical brawl... Stevie ended up taking a few punches... but Val Venis eventually interfered and the RTC stole the match. Nothing unusual happened.
-Kevin Kelly was preparing to be humiliated by the Rock.
-commercials
-Ross and Lawler got serious... it was time for JR's "heartfelt, SHOOT interview" with Chyna. Oh, rest assured... this is REAL LIFE, DAMMIT!! WHEN A WWF WRESTLER GETS INJURED, WE ARE KEPT ABREAST OF THEIR DEVELOPMENTS!!!
-say, whatever happened to the guy who could puke on command?
-"abreast"? "developments"? "Chyna"?... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA
-Ross talks to Chyna. Chyna said that she lost feelings in her arms after getting spiked. It turned out that she had 3 ruptured discs in her neck (DAMN... that Hunter has a long one, don't he? The boy ruptures DISCS... children... DISCS!!!)
-Chyna says the Doctors said either no more wrestling, or surgery PLUS no more wrestling.
-Ross mentioned the Playboy spread... that brought a huge FAKE pop (come on, guys... )
-Chyna started to sob a bit... and said she "hated" the RTC... they took her life away from her... they took wrestling away from her.
-Chyna said that she has overcome a LOT of obstacles in her life... and if there is a will... there is a way.
-Ross asked her if maybe she would take a "non-wrestling" wrestling position. Chyna said that once Vince's Commissionership thing ends... she's next in line, so yeah.
-Back to "live"... Ross said that he never had to do anything harder than that interview... (what? Don't tell me Jim has NEVER tried to f**k a tree!! I thought EVERY guy has to do that once!)
-Rocky told Kevin Kelly the same thing the Undertaker told Michael Cole... only inverted. Catchphrases a'plenty... lots of long pauses.
-The Undertaker rolled out.
-commercials
-The Rock comes out.
-Let's get to it, boys...
-They face off... nose to goatee. (UT is taller)
-UT punches Rocky in the corner. One good belt sent him flying over the top rope.
-Rocky gets laid out on the Announce table, then rolls out to their laps.
-Back in the ring, UT has control.
-Rocky with a Flying Neckbreaker
-Rocky counters an attempted Tombstone with a Side Russian Legsweep
-This was a HUGE UT beatdown. He owned the match.
-UT with a Bearhug. (OH, CAN WE BAN THIS ALREADY???? IT'S THE DUMBEST MOVE EVER!!!)
-Rocky kicked out of a pin attempt after taking a DDT.
-UT waits for Rock to get up to give him a chokeslam... Rocky turns around slowly. He blocks the move and knocks UT down. Now Rocky waits for UT to get up so he can hit the Rock Bottom. UT gets up slowly. Ut blocks the Rock Bottom try and gives Rocky the chokeslam.
-Rikishi shows up... UT drops the Rock and knocks him off the ring.
-Rocky hits the Spine Buster on the UT.
-People's Elbow... BROKEN up by Rikishi!!
-Rikishi throws Rocky in the ring and drops ass on both men, a few times.
-Ross screams, "CHRISTMAS IS RUINED BY THIS... THIS... SAMOAN!!! THE SAMOANS RUIN EVERYTHING DAMMIT!!! EVERYTHING!!!"
-The show ends
Umm, I'll give it to "A Christmas Story"... because there is no scene funnier than when Santa pushes the kid down the slide with his boot... period... end of story... pack it up and go home... it's over.
Aww... Jason Robards died. Damn shame.
Aww... I'm still alive. Damn shame too.
Hookay... I only do this when I feel a company needs it, with the official record TWO closers dedicated to booking ideas for Nitro. Well, the WWF is in a bit of a funk lately. I'm not sure why... but they are. It's just that... they need an injection of something new... fresh... something to capture the imagination. So, along those lines... I present some FOOLPROOF ways to get the WWF BACK to where it was. The cool thing... not ONCE will I bitch about "bringing back the 'tude!"
BOOK THIS!!!!
-The biggest, of course, is the speculation going on that maybe Hulk Hogan is coming home after his WCW contract expires in March. Now that McMahon is firmly back to running things, he'll want to have a WWF champ that suits his own vision. A more, "WWF" champion. They would have done it with Ric Flair, had he been able to get out of his WCW contract two years ago, but that didn't get much past idle speculation...
-Bring Hogan back!! Have Vince present him as the "ultimate WWF representitive". The old school vs new school tension would be so thick and rich you could touch it... the fans would freak. Hogan knows how to generate interest in himself just when everyone thinks he's done for good... this would be PERFECT... the BEST possible choice for him. How do you like Hogan vs Austin for Wrestlemania? How about Hogan vs the Rock? Either one of these would set HUGE PPV records... maybe even more than the (I assume) Rock/Austin projected headliner for this year. The beauty of it is... Hogan's run would just start to die out right around the time...
-Nash is free from WCW. Sure, his knees are shot. Sure, he's a pain in the ass. But imagine the possibilities... imagine that first shoot promo on RAW... imagine what he can do with that charisma he has. Admit it, it would get you tuning to RAW & Smackdown BIG TIME.
-HBK says he wants one last match. The WWF apparently has shown little interest. Okay, his Doctors won't okay the move, but put him against Triple H at Wrestlemania. They're best friends, and Hunter knows how to work a delicate match. This'll draw interest, and it'll re-invigorate things quite nicely. If not HHH... then how about Jericho?
-Turn Austin heel. On an upcoming AAT, I plan on discussing the "Stone Cold" character... but the thing abouit him is... if you turn him "heel", he will naturally become a "Tweener" whether he likes it or not. What I am saying is that if you give Austin NO friends, NO alliances, and NO one that he gives a crap about... you open up a whole new series of opponents for him. Let him fight ANYONE... let him stun EVERYONE... and have him start telling the fans to piss off again. It's remind us what Austin used to be, and it'll help him reclaim the magic that he's lost since becoming essentially, a one-note character. Plus, Rocky can become the company's #1 face and neither man will lose a single fan. Everyone's happy.
-Bring on the kids. Last Summer, the WWF had everyone buzzing by using Benoit, Angle and Jericho against main event players... then Austin returned and everyone went back to mid-card. Let's re-start Jericho vs HHH, and give Jericho a solid win. Mix things up. Who wouldn't DIE to see HHH vs Benoit? Angle vs HHH for the title? Benoit vs Angle? Angle as WWF champ notwithstanding, there is a lot of potential there.
-Turn Jericho heel. You had it right the first time.
-The Giant. When he comes back, have him squash EVERYBODY. Austin, the Rock, Kane, all of them. You blew it with the guy by jobbing him out to Austin and the Rock within 90 days of his WWF arrival. Now you have no idea what to do with him. He's been gone a while. Bring him back in the best shape of his life and make him a KILLER!
-Revolving Commissioner Doors. Actually, switching things around every few months is a good idea. No problems there.
-Check on Sting's contract. Maybe it's up soon? He can use a change of scenery and he NEEDS a big, fat, WWF promotional push.
-Call Bret. It couldn't hurt. Imagine if HE showed up on Raw one night.
-Team Kane with Raven. Now there's a pair that DESPERATELY needs each other.
-X-Pac as a serious IC title contender. I've looked around the Internet. I've heard the boos. X-Pac is arrogant enough, mean enough, and talented enough to become one of the biggest Heels in the company. Those chants of "X-Pac Sucks" he always hears are proof enough... there's slightly more excitment in those chants than "BOSSMAN SUCKS, BOSSMAN SUCKS". X-Pac draws MEGA Heel heat when he only half tries.
-Hire me. I know my shit, and I will be available 24/7... unlike that Russo, who bitched about being "on call" every hour of every day. I have no family. The girlfriend can be dumped. I just "booked" an entire WCW year with Christ and Satan in the company. I am an Online God. Give me a whirl!
And so, another week ends. Fast. I like it!!
Maybe Nitro will be canceled? Oh, man... that would ROCK!!!
Or, maybe I'd not take so many naps, pisses, poops, snacks, and TV breaks? If I just sat down in front of my computer and refused to move until everything was done... maybe I'd have this crap wrapped in 8 hours... instead of 28?
Yeah well... maybe if I had 4 more inches... I could dump this silly life and be a full time porn star banging the crap out of gals like Jenna, Chasey, Sindee, Shayla, Raylene, Devon, Tabitha, Jill, and Ron Jeremy (gotta take the good with the bad, sometimes)
Speaking of which... I'm gonna bang the crap out of my hand. Sometimes, it cramps up and involuntarily closes in and crushes my shnazz... that'll stew your tomatoes, by God.
I'm splitting this scene, daddio.
You can hold my pants while I molest your girl, beotch.
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